Depression made me a defeatist; remembering how to dream.

“Dreaming is after all a form of planning.” — Gloria Steinem

When I got depressed, I stopped dreaming. I stopped dreaming about the business I always wanted to start, I stopped thinking about the book I wanted to write. I stopped planning the trip my partner and I always wanted to take.

“If your current reality is nowhere close to the life you want, dreams are the fuel that will move you forward.” — Danielle LaPorte, The Fire Start Sessions.

I didn’t realize that when the depression took away the dreams I had, it took away an essential part of me. The future me, the passionate me, the real me. I hadn’t realized this until recently when I started to write again, something I’ve always loved to do, something that was important to me. I started to write and I felt a small flame flicker inside of me. I didn’t realized what it was, but it gave me hope, and then I realized what it was: passion.

This past year, I didn’t think much of the future, I didn’t even think about the day-to-day. I got up when I could, moved around when I wanted to, and waited for the day to end. It wasn’t until the holiday was quickly approaching, that I realized what I needed, what I wanted:

To get my mental health back on track, to finish the book I had been working on, to collaborate with others, get my life back on schedule, to start living again.

I thought about these things. I thought about the days that I had been living this past year. The drudge of waking up, drinking coffee, sitting, thinking, eating dinner, going to bed.

“Psychologically we can limp on for years with aching hearts and vexations, just mobile enough to manage day-to-day existence. If you’re spirit fatigued for long enough, you will downshift into unconscious enduring. You endure the doubt, and the gray hue, and the disconnectedness.” — Danielle LaPorte, The Fire Start Sessions.

Writing awakened something in me, my hunger.

Danielle LaPorte, The Fire Start Sessions.  

Danielle LaPorte, The Fire Start Sessions.


My partner recently, was reading a book that I didn’t have much interest in at the time, about finding your passion, pursuing it, chasing it down. And I suppose the reason I didn’t have much interest in it was because I couldn’t chase anything down — I wasn’t sure what my passion was, and I was too exhausted to figure it out.

But that changed this last week. When I realized I was at my bottom. When I made the decisions to live this next year differently. To work on myself. I knew I needed my gears to shift, I needed to figure it out — so I read the book, The Fire Starter Sessions.

And the title, what it is, is what it does. I’ve resolved to live differently, to try as hard as I can, to pursue the things that I want, to try and face my fears. To live again. Because for so long, I’ve put what makes me happy on the back burner. Much obliged, Fear.

The book asked me questions, it got me thinking. It pushed me into the future.

Danielle LaPorte, The Fire Start Sessions.  

Danielle LaPorte, The Fire Start Sessions.


Thinking about my life purpose. What makes me happy. How, and why I should pursue it.

Why shouldn’t I? And why shouldn’t you? How do I want to feel? How do you?

“Knowing how you actually want to feel is the most potent form of clarity that you can have.” — Danielle LaPorte, The Fire Start Sessions.

So I finished the book. I did the worksheets. I looked at my writing, dark, scribbled, words put together in strings. Like little lights hanging from the Christmas tree, hopeful, waiting to be turned on, to light up the pine.

Where do I start?

I read Danielle LaPorte’s second book, The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals with Soul. I got serious. I wrote my goals down. My true goals. My core desired feelings. The dreams I’ve had but never said out loud. The things I’ve wanted to do, but never voiced, thinking that my depression, my whatever else would hold me back. I took the quizzes, I filled out the worksheets, and I worked the tools, mapping out what I want my life to look like.

It may seem silly, it may seem over done. I may never do the things that I have on my list. I may decide that I don’t want to do them, and something else may come along. But, I suppose that’s not the point.

For the first time, in a long time, I want.

What did I do next? I ordered the Desire Map Planner — Daily Edition 2016,  (Limited Edition) 

Not because it’s adorable. Not because it’s positive, and inspiring. Not because I am super busy, that my schedule is so packed that I need an assistant. But because I need some structure in my life. I need a routine. I lived the past year without any structure in my day. Yes, I had to work, but I kept odd hours. I had things I wanted, and needed to do but I kept that at odd hours too. My sleep, well that went to hell in a hand basket.

Writing it out, seeing it out on paper, committing myself to each act that I set out day-to-day. Whether it be waking up at a certain hour, setting a set work schedule. Setting goals, and seeing them completed.

I committed myself to being absolute: in my goals, my actions, my relationships, and with myself.

See you soon, 2016.

Get your copy of The Fire Starter Sessions

Get your copy of The Desire Map


And for the 2016 planner

The art of unhelpful motivational conversations: a gif story

So, your mom calls and interrupts something like this:


And she’s like…


And If you weren’t feeling bad enough, now you feel worse, and you’re like:

And since you didn’t get it the first time…

By now you’re crying but still doing whatever you were doing:


And it’s not the first time you’ve been told this:

Now your mom’s frustrated:


And you are too:

And you can’t help but think:

By now, you know the conversation is going nowhere. You’ve regressed to your eight year old self. The conversation is over so you hang up the phone:

And you call your person, the one who gets it, the one who says something like this:

But this time you don’t hang up:

It’s more like this:

And now you know…

That you got this.